Woke up early this morning, had problems going back to sleep. I spent most of my time tossing and turning, wondering if I am making the right decision. Is teaching the right career for me? Or should i return back to non-profits? I am not the best teacher in the whole entire world, but I am definitely not the worst. Plus, am I even stupider for deciding to apply to the most expensive graduate school programs? I want to teach abroad, but will I be able to pay off my student loan debts in my lifetime? I am not so concerned about having money for the sake of having money, but can I survive on what's left after paying my monthly student loan payment?

My mother has told me that my anxiety is normal for someone in my '20s. The anxiety on whether I am making the right decision, will I be ok, is normal for someone my age. Hopefully, I will get over my anxiety. Plus, my mom keeps telling me that there is always time for me to switch, that I don't have to stay with one career for the rest of my life, which is comforting to know.

Oh well, there is nothing I can do. I have to take a major risk and see where it'll take me.

Although the past few days I have been feeling depressed, I am starting to feel better. No matter what will happen, I will be happy with the final result. I will try to live my life the best way I can. I have to remind myself of this every day, but I am slowly getting there.

Cautiously, hopefully optimistic...new job prospects, potential visits from some members of my first host family, there is a whole world of new possibilities....

Happy MLK day! It's a wonderful holiday in America, commemorating the life of this awe-inspiring, wonderful, courageous, articulate man who risked his life and helped inspire the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960's. If it weren't for his actions, and the actions of other brave individuals, many people will still suffer in America.

However, as the recent statistics and other events, including Hurricane Katrina show, there is still LOTS of room for improvement in race relations in America. While the physical and outward forms of racism has disappeared (or at least is no longer tolerated), there are still structural forms of racism still in place (i.e. economic, educational disparities).

I just wish that America has an honest to goodness discussion about race relations in America. I thought that Hurricane Katrina would prompt these discussions. But, people dismiss them as "playing the race card" or as forms of political correctness. Why is no one upset that African American males are more likely to end up in jail than in college? Or that segregation is taking place in our schools, in our communities? When will we owe up to our faults, our past, and do something about it?

For now, I will leave two inspirational quotes from Martin Luther King Jr.:
" Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it."

(And my favorite one--the one that I will try to live by for now on).
"The time is always right to do what is right."

Rest in Peace.

I think that with the changes and experiences, I think I am finally accepting myself for who I am, warts and all. I am not perfect and I know that I will never be. It's about time that i start doing it now before I become older and live a life of fear, instead of courage and integrity.

And, it feels great that I am starting to accept myself!

Yes, I watched "The Bachelor" on TV last night. I hate reality dating shows as the situations are mostly contrived and it seems like most of the relationships falter once the show is over. The only reason why I am watching it is because the show is situated in Paris and I love the city Paris. Plus, it is every girl's fantasy to fall in love in Paris!

However, watching the women on the show disturbed me. It was like they were parading around in a Playboy mansion, trying to please a man they hardly know, and competing with each other. And, of course, instantaneously, many of the women instantly fell in love with this stranger.

One of the participants who got rejected last night emphasized that she was ready to enter the "reproductive stage". It was so disenheartening to watch this well-accomplished woman (a doctor, like the bachelor) fall into pieces and act so desperate for a man.

What happened to the feminist movement? Why should she feel so compelled to find a man and reproduce? There are so many children out there who need parents--she has the financial ability to adopt (or, at least, go to a sperm bank if she so despearately wants the biological experience of giving birth).

Watching this program, as well as another program called "Starting Over", and looking at my own experiences, my friends, and other women I meet, makes me question why are we constantly degrading ourselves? Why can't we accept ourselves for who we are? Why do we have to be dependent on men to make us feel whole? Why aren't we taking care of ourselves and putting us last? I know that it's so difficult for many women to put themselves first (including myself), but I feel like I need to in order to survive. This is why I am working on building my self-esteem and taking care of myself, instead of relying on someone else to make me feel whole.